ATTACHMENT STYLES
When we talk about the schools of attachment theory, we find two major camps. The most well known is the ABC+D model, which we will talk about here. The other is the Dynamic Maturational Model which you can read about here.
SECURE
ATTACHMENT
In the Attachment document, I mentioned that a secure attachment forms if the parent is able to respond to the emotional needs of the child. These children are believed to grow up to have a greater ability to manage their emotions, to have higher self esteem, and to be able to discern when to self regulate their emotions or to turn to others to help them co-regulate. However, things can turn out differently if the child’s emotional needs are not met.
HOW A CHILD’S NEEDS MAY NOT BE MET
Most often, parents are well meaning when a child comes to them who is distressed. They don’t want their child to feel upset, so they try to encourage them to look at the problem from a positive point of view. To have an idea of what this might look in an adult example, watch this clip where Peter Parker tries to encourage Mary Jane after she gets a negative review:
One of the things that really strikes in the video is how Peter Parker and Mary Jane are not on the same wavelength. Mary Jane is upset and distressed, whereas Peter Parker looks happy and cheerful. Mary Janes’ experience at the end is that she feels unheard and dismissed, then when Peter Parker has to suddenly leave at the end of the scene, she feels even more unhappy and unsatisfied.
DOES THIS MEAN IT’S THE PARENTS FAULT?
When we look at attachment, we are more interested in the back and forth patterns that develop rather then blaming any one party. The truth is, many children do have very difficult temperaments, that often wear their parents down, leaving them in a constant state of stress with limited resources to attune to their children the way they wished they could. Similarly, some children have a cooler temperament, and actually seem not to like too much emotional contact with their parents. Their parents will typically back away, leaving their children to do their own thing.
Parents responses are also influenced by their own upbringings, and the way their own parents responded to them. We can usually see patterns of bonding that go back generation to generation, with the accumulated effect building and building generation by generation. When parents come to seek help for their children, I am often moved in seeing them have the courage to be the first to stand against the transgenerational tsunami.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
According to attachment theory, if the child continues to feel that their emotions are not being attended to, then they might go one of two ways. The first way is that they protest, and express their emotions even more dramatically. They become preoccupated with making sure that the parent doesn’t leave them, often alternating between overly anxious and angry behaviour to make sure their parent stays around.
​
For an example of what this would look like in an adult, watch this clip from the 1962 movie “Satan never sleeps”.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
What if on the other hand the child exaggerated their emotions, but the parent still didn’t respond? According to the attachment theory, the child would begin to hide their emotions, and to eventually deny their own need for connection.
For an example of this, watch this scene from 'The Enemy Below'.
In this clip, we see this woman is initially very happy when she thinks she will stay with the priest. However, she becomes extremely distressed when he leaves. She places a much higher value on their relationship than he does, and the priest describes numerous strategies that she has used to gain proximity. According to some, people with an anxious attachment are drawn to people who are distant and unattainable, as it replicates their earliest experiences of a child seeking a distang parent. In this case, the priest is unattainable because of his priestly vows, however that only seems to make him more attractive to the woman.
​
​
In th​is scene, the captain talks about a tragic event of the loss of his wife. However, there is no expression of emotion as he talked about it. His description of her death is very matter of fact. For people with avoidant attachment, there is typically a dismissiveness towards emotion and intimacy.
​
DISORGNISED ATTACHMENT
When the original researchers weren’t able to classify children into either secure, ambivalent or avoidant attachments, they placed them into the category of Disorganised attachment.Some have considered the disorganised attachment to correspond to fearful avoidant attachment in adults. People with this attachment style crave intimacy but are also terrified of it.
In this scene from Beauty and the Beast, Belle offers nurture to the Beast. His first reaction is anger and fear, though with her gentle persistence it becomes obvious that he really does want her nurture.
HOW THIS APPLIES TO THERAPY
An appreciation of a client’s attachment style helps therapists to start to think about what the client’s underlying needs might be. It will also help therapists to think about how the client’s attachment style is linking to the client’s current difficulties. In regards to treatment, therapists will often intuitively ask themselves questions such as to how much closeness and exploration of emotions is the client ready for. They will also think about what type of therapy would best match where the client is at.