NEUTRALITY

In the page on Circularity, we spoke about a situation with a couple where each member tries to reduce their stress in different ways. As it happens, each partner’s strategy of reducing their own stress actually increases the other partner’s stress! So who is at fault here? From a family therapy perspective, no one is at fault. Each person is just trying to get their needs meet, but it is just the cycle that is that is the problem.

There are clearly exceptions where there are issues such domestic violence, abuse or affairs. Those things are not acceptable, and ultimately individuals should take responsibility for their actions. Apart from these issues however, family therapists generally see the ongoing patterns of behaviour between people as the issue, rather than putting the blame with any one individual.

If no one is doing anything wrong, then how can things change? From an attachment theory perspective, many behaviours that are seen by others to be problematic are actually an attempt to have their attachment needs met. For example, a demanding child may actually be trying to meet the attachment need of feeling loved. Within the child’s mind, having the parents continue to give what they ask for is proof that his parents still love him. If the parents were then to stop giving, that becomes interpreted by the child as a sign that his parents no longer love him, which can be very scary for the child.

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One of the goals of Therapy then becomes identifying the unique ways that the child communicates their needs, decoding those, and helping the parents to provide for those underlying needs.

Understanding the concept of neutrality is helpful for all aspects of therapy.  All of us at times find ourselves caught up in difficult interactions. Understanding that each person in the interaction is trying to have their attachment needs met can help reduce the sense of self blame or other blame. This can help to provide a clearer path in resolving these difficulties and moving forward.